So much heartache.
Tomorrow I am having a meeting with students who struggle with depression, cutting and suicide. I was unsure if I actually wanted to lead this group because depression and suicide are still very personal for me and I don’t feel like I know anything about cutting. But today I know. This meeting must be held, and no one else will do it. So I will.
Over 60 students asked to come today. All of them approached me directly and individually. I made no announcement, no invitation. I simply invited six girls to come and ask questions.
I’m not sure what to do with the weight. This is a lot of pressure…a lot. Each of them I know has a story, and I have mine. But my story is all I have, it’s all that I know on the topic. If they’re hoping for more, I can’t offer it. if they’re looking for answers or solutions, I don’t have them. All I have is my story and my Jesus. Thankfully, the latter is the power of the former.
On a lighter note, Jason and I went to the feeding program (eeeaaaarrrrlllyyyy….) this morning and we’ve gotten really good at peeling carrots and potatoes and onions and making soup with them. I’ll be domestic sure enough, mom! What we make is a thick stew with meat and the veggies and soup mix and serve it over rice. It’s actually really good (yes, even though I helped).
As we were stirring the meat, I noticed that there was barely any meat on the bones. Some of the pieces were actually all bone. I thought we should take them out. No. They’ll eat the bones. Well, not really eat them, just gnaw on them and suck out the spinal fluid for protein.
I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t serve those children pieces of spine and watch them chew on them like animal feed.
I went to school early today.
After classes we went to the afterschool program and ran around like crazy. It reminded me of the classic book, Where the Wild Things Are. The kids were little monsters with big imaginations. And I adore them. we played 500 (the game where you try to catch the Frisbee and each catch is worth so many points and you try to get 500 points so you can be the thrower) and they were so funny. They just didn’t get how to throw a Frisbee. It was going all over the place, hitting other children, cars and adults not with our group, and almost landing on the roof multiple times. It was fabulous.
We taught them about being new creations in Christ and they made these stupid butterflies that we made up last night. We had paper, pipe cleaners and yarn and needed a craft quick. They barely looked like butterflies but they cherished them and I know they went home to show off their art.
Our team is changing…we’re learning. We’re learning to be transparent with each other and how to allow ourselves to be vulnerable in conversations. We’re learning to see that Christ accepts us wholly on His grace, nothing merited, and to accept each other in the same way. I think the issue is that when we see sin as a “me and God” problem and then we see each other’s sin as a “them and God” thing. This view allows for no sharing of burdens and therefore no support for the heaviness. The church is meant to be community…and we are the church. Like I said, though. We’re still learning.
Beauty.
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