Warm Friendly Feelings

Thankfulness eludes me.

I think I lost it somewhere between the mannequins, in the shop windows, or maybe on the fitting room floor. Wherever I left it and wherever it went, it's gone now.

Since coming home, I've bought and ate out with no regard for the young who are sold or those who will not eat today. Two lands. Oceans apart. Worlds of separation.

Thankfulness. What is it? Where do I find it? How can I get it? The dictionary defines this over-used word as, "warm friendly feelings of gratitude."

I beg to differ.

There are lots of things that I fell warm and friendly and grateful towards. But am I thankful for them? Not in the least. I eat and buy and consume and use and throw away. And I don't know how to change this.

So what to do, what to do... What does becoming thankful mean? It must mean I have too much. Like this brown sweater in my closet, not worn since Mid September. Or the green one. Or the orange one. Lord, who do You see needing a sweater? It means I return the coat I bought last night. I never needed a fourth.

Does it mean I sell what I have and give the money to the poor? I would, I think. Does it mean that I stay where I am and use what I have for His purposes? I would, I think. Or maybe it means I must learn a way to live in the tension between. Maybe it means I do not live in the extreme. Oh, that feels so mundane. But, Lord, be it the way of You, I trust it will not be so.

Thankful? Not yet.

But it's growing in me.