Small and Aged Pictures.

Today was Christmas with my mom's side. Every year, we all go to DesMoines and exchange gifts and hugs at my grandparents' house. This year was a bit different, though. My grandma Rosie recently moved into a nursing home. We brought her home for the day, but she is obviously not who she used to me. Her skin is white and thin, inadequately veiling the veins beneath. Her hair is also white and thin, undone and messy. Actually, everything about her was white and thin. She's lost so much weight, and her bones writhe and bend. I can't imagine how hard it was for her to be seen that way. She always was so put together. She had dark curs and bright red lips.

My grandpa reminded me of this today. He brought me some pictures of her when she was my age. They were small and aged pictures. Sort of like my grandma now. She was standing on the lawn in her bathing suit, modeling wedding dresses, and posing with grandpa. She was beautiful.

"Isn't she gorgeous, Amy? I thought you should see her. You've never really seen her."

My grandpa's words wrenched my heart. He's aware this is not my grandma. She's already buried. Buried beneath ache and medicine and old age. But he loves her. As we left the nursing home, he tucked her into bed and kissed her forehead goodnight. And though it's not clear why she is so far away from us already, this is clear: this is his love, his only. No doubt about it. When she goes home, he will not be far behind. Love is not meant to be any other way.

I'm wondering if I will ever love like this. I'm afraid of love, I think. I shy away from intimacy because of insecurity. Will I ever allow myself to love someone so much that the thought of them being taken away may be the end of me? Am I capable of this? I'm not sure...


As we left the nursing home tonight, I told my grandpa he should be proud of such a family: three wonderful children who love him and want to be with them, even in a nursing home. He said, "You know, Amy. On the back of our tomb stones I'm having inscribed 'we tried'. Because we did."

I saw Yellow Bird lovers today. They're my grandparents.