Endless Coffee.

Candle lights flicker and slowly fade, and Daddy's voice falls familiar and moist and comforting on my ears. The warmth of her little body snuggles in closer to my side and sleepily grapples for my hand. The sky interrupts her steady breathing with a boom or a flash every now and again, as the droplets swell and fall like gravel out of a dump truck. The roof is a symphony alive with Spring rain.

Peace is met here at last. Peace. I have been searching, my Yellow Bird. I have been asking. You have heard. Because You are a hearing God.

Before coming home for break, I had coffee with Jamie. I haven't written much about Jamie, and I don't know why. I honestly don't know how she hasn't appeared in many posts. Because Jamie is one of my people. Jamie gets me when most people don't. Jamie is a crier, and I cherish that about her. She graduated last year, so we see each other much less even though she still lives in the city. I guess its not fair to say we had coffee before break. We went to one of my favorites in all of Chicago, Third Coast, and split a breakfast and drank endless coffee. Okay, we split a breakfast and I drank endless coffee. Either way, the coffee was endless as was the conversation.

I told Jamie about this fear I have been experiencing since Thanksgiving. She asked if I thought it was tied to one thing in particular. I thought it might, but told her I had no idea what that thing was. She asked what I knew about my sin.

That's a strange question, I thought. I'm the victim of fear here. Why would she ask about my sin?

Perfect love casts out fear, she explained. Perfect love. God's love casts out fear.

"Humility is being able to accept His perfect love. Pride cannot accept God's perfect love."

Woah.

And she's right. Having grown up in a Christian home and in Christian circles, I developed this basic standard for living. There's this moral code we live at within this community. It is good, you know. Lots of good rules and lots of protection from negative influences in the world. But we live there. And stay there. And stay there. Then we get bonus points for doing something "extra" good, like going on a missions trip or serving at a homeless shelter or teaching Sunday school or leading a Bible study. We are either on this level of basically morally good or above the line. And we never really develop a sense of our own, personal utter depravity.

I say "we" because "I" is still too hard. Pride.

Now, I'm a logical person [well, if my patterns of past behavior have proven to be consistent in that manner, then I must be a logical person. My patterns of past behavior have proven to be consistent in that manner. Therefore, I must be a logical person] so this is how I think of it:

For fear to leave, love is necessary. Not just any love perfect love. Perfect love is found in Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ showed His perfect love for me when He went to the cross and bore my sins in His own body. If I am afraid, I am not accepting this love. Pride will not accept this love. Therefore...

The Gospel conqures fear!

How elating is that! How freeing! I do not have to fear because I am His and He loves me. When I am alone, I do not need to be afraid, because He loves me. When I don't know the future, I do not need to be afraid, because He loves me. When I have night meres that won't leave, I do not have to be afraid, because He loves me.

How wonderful. How peaceful.

I haven't felt peace in a while, and I'm not sure its here to stay. But for tonight, my prayer will be for humility to accept this perfect love. Humility, who knew it would be a prayer for peace?

The Prince did.

"And He humbled Himself to death, even death on a cross..."