On the Inside of Me.

So, a lot has happened since I last posted. I promised myself this wouldn’t happen. I guess it’s not the first promise I’ve broken.

I have began my internship at Grace. I’m one week in, with nine more to go (I think?). it’s an interesting tension I live in at the church. I’m young. Real young. I grew up within these four walls, the pastor has known me since I was eight, my supervisor was my youth leader, and the administrative pastor was my jr. high youth leader (poor guy…). I’m the baby of the gang, and well, I’m trying hard not to be. It’s difficult to sit in staff meetings surrounded by those you admire and respect so much. Last meeting I looked around the room recalling all the reasons why I love the leadership at my church so much. Then I realized I was in the room, too. Weird.

One of the coolest parts of my internship (my severe immaturity is now revealed) is that I have an office. Yes, I, Amy Catherine Gilbuagh, have an office. I didn’t know that would happen, and well, I’ve never had an office before, so when Jason (my supervisor) said, “Let me show you to your office,” I was stunned. I’ll be honest, I get a big head. I mean I had an office. Only necessary people have offices. Only those important have offices. I was thinking all these lofty lies as I followed Jason down the hall. Then I saw it. And I knew it was mine. My office is in the coat closet. Ironic, yes? Not only am I living in a closet, but I’m working in one, too. So, if you see me at the end of the summer, pasty white and depressed and awkward, just remember I was in a closet all summer. Pity me, please.

Other summer happening … well, I guess I said a lot has happened, but I guess not much has. At least not a lot of external events. On the inside of me, though, a lot has taken place. A lot. First of all, I’m still in my closet (redundant? Yes. But I can only make this joke for so long, so please bear with me). And I’m learning a lot in here. I’m sitting a lot. And quiet a lot. I just got a fan to deal with the no window issue and it provides white noise in the background. Honestly, I’m not liking it. The deafening silence is much to be preferred simply because it stretches me. It provokes me. It questions me. It reveals me.

Second of all, I had a good fight with my sister. I don’t say “good” like it was nice and gentle. I say “good” like someone with the flu would say they had a “good” barfing; it needed to happen, it felt horrible the entire time, and it feels a lot better now. We yelled, I cried, we yelled some more and I could still cry about it. What was it about? Oh, just everything. Materialism, weddings, pride, money, closets, boys, family … you name it. After we hung up the phone I sat on the front step balling my freaking eyes out and yelling at God. He brought me to this: I’m not fighting Bethany. I’m not mad at her, I’m not mad about the money, I’m not mad about our relationship. I’m tired of this darkness. Are there issues we need to work out? without a doubt. But I’m finding myself back in this oppressive darkness I thought I was being pulled out of. I’m scared it won’t leave. I’m afraid I’ll always feel confused and afraid and stuck. I still can’t pinpoint the source, to be honest. I just feel like I’m living in internal hell. Hmmm…maybe I can identify the source. Pray for me?

Third of all, I’m learning that God has always provided. I’m really insufficient for my work at the church, my role in the family, my job as a swimming instructor. But He has always been my sufficiency. Why would this summer be any different?

Fourth of all, I bought a bike (I digress in spiritual significance, I know). It’s wonderful. I got it off of craigslist.com (you need to check this out of you haven’t already!) It’s a 1960s Schwinn Cruiser and I paid $50 for it. It’s beautiful and ideal. I can’t wait for a good ride.