This is me.

I do not love well.

If I love at all, I do it rather poorly.

Tonight, I am again facing my depravity. I'm stressed and tired and checked-out; I am so ready for summer. In this buzz, I've become easily irritated, I'm short with my girls, I'm flippant with my friends. I don't like this side of me.

I was praying about it tonight and I realized, this isn't a side of me, this is me. This is the me I was born as. I'm resorting back to my natural state when I speak in rude tones or use language that is impure. This is my nature: corrupt, manipulative, evil. All someone will need to be convinced of total depravity is one good look at my life. I mean, I try to be good. I really try and I really try hard. But I can't! I'm rotten to my core; concealed in the depths of my being is blackness that I cannot cleanse.

But, oh, I have found a Cleansing Flow.

There is a new nature that is mine in Christ, and I am learning to grow into that nature, to fit into it, to fill it out. That's a whole other post for another night (one which won't wake to finals), but I want to say tonight that Jesus gave me this new nature in my old one. He didn't wait for me to deserve it or earn it or even like it. He bought me when I refused to be sold, He redeemed me when I demanded to be free, He loved me when I insisted on hating Him.

I'm bought, redeemed and love.

Suddenly finals don't seem so bad tomorrow.