None of that Messy Relationship Stuff.

I was talking to a precious woman at my church this past Sunday during the service (we were just doing church the big "C" way ... ). We were talking about dating and I said, "You know, I love dates. They're so fun! I'm not looking for a relationship right now, but I still love going on dates." She agreed and shared stories from her dating life that were quite funny. Later, she was talking about how she is a greeter at our church (you know, the person who shakes your hand when you come into church or makes you feel adequately awkward when you're hands are full and you can't shake their hand? Yeah, that's my friend). I told her I've always wanted to be a greeter, but there's not much of a need in that ministry at church. Bummer for me.

"You want to be a greeter for the same reason you love going on dates, Amy," She told me.

My face left no uncertainty about my confusion. "Why's that," I asked.

"You get to smile at everyone everyone, everyone is smiling at you, you're all cheerful and ideal, and no one gets in your business. Like dates. You get to get dressed up and he tells you you're cute, you get affirmed, you get to flirt, and even though it doesn't go anywhere you have a nice memory without all that messy relationship stuff."

Ooof.

That's too true.

Now I'm wondering, where else do I do that? I mean, I say I want community, but do I really? The people I seem to be pushing away these days are those who have either known me the longest or know me the best or both. They're the people who can see past my perfect and idea front and can see the mess of a person I am. And I'm building walls as fast as I can because the idea of someone knowing who I really am is way too vulnerable for a Tuesday afternoon.

Jesus, I say I want to love you vulnerably. I do. I mean that. Help?