God, Good Gifts and Giddiness.

I haven't posted in a while. Mostly because I feel like a Debbie Downer when I think back on my last few posts. I don't take them back because they're true, honest, direct, and precise. But I have a confession to make.

I was wrong.

Yes, you read that right. I was very wrong. No, everything I said was correct. Everything I posted was trustworthy. But … I was wrong. And I've been corrected.

See, a lot has happened in the last two weeks. And it all started with the disappointment I was talking about. Life has been a disappointment to me this summer, it's true. But really, if I was bold enough, brash enough, secure enough to be completely honest, I'd tell you it was God who had disappointed me. He disappointed me when He let my internship fall apart and did't give me housing and didn't provide me with a job and when friends seemed far away. He disappointed me. But we don't say things like that in the church, do we? So I said I was disappointed with "life". Which He even said was His other name (Jn. 14:6).

In the middle of my disappointment with Him, I was looking to buy a car. I've never bought one before, and my budget was small. I knew the used car lot I wanted to buy from was in Iowa, so I asked my dad to be looking for me. My goal was something slightly above a beater, but something much less than my dream ride of a Jeep. I asked my dad to keep an eye out for something that would fit that description. Honestly? My dad's hard to get ahold of sometimes via. So when he didn't respond to my plethora of emails I harassed him via phone. When he answered I asked if he had found a chance to look at the inventory.

He said, "Yes…. I went down there today. And bought you one."
WHAT? I thought, "Do I trust my daddy? Do I realllly trust my daddy? Yes, yes I do." I asked him which one he bought.
He said, "The Jeep."
WHAT? I thought, only aloud this time. "Daddy. I can't afford the Jeep!"
"I know," he responded. "But I can."

My daddy bought me a Jeep, guys. He won't even let me pay him back my measly portion that I have saved. He's just that good to me.

I was praying the following morning, thanking our Lord for the good gift my father had given me, and it was as if He said, "If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" (Matt. 7:11) And so I repented. I repented for seeing God as more of a manager than a Father. I felt as if He was distantly in heaven, looking loomingly down at me and asking, "Are you doing what I asked? Are you doing it well? Are you doing it faithfully?" And I would just respond, "I'm trying. I'm tired, but I'm trying." And I confessed to Him that morning that I was wrong. I was wrong about Him.

That morning I feld the freedom in my spirit to call Gordon Conwell, just to see if I could still get in this fall. The answer? YES. They even offered me a $5,000 scholarship that I wasn't expecting! So… I waited and prayed and waited some more. And the answer? YES. I felt such joy in my spirit at the thought of going! I initially felt shame in feeling such delight, but He corrected me. It was as if He reminded me, "No that's MY joy. Your joy brings Me joy. Your delight brings Me delight."

And I haven't believed that in a long time. A long time.

I was talking to a friend and brother of mine this morning and he said, "You know, in our theological tradition we won't ever loose the sovereignty of God. But we are in danger of loosing His goodness." And he's right. I forgot that our Father wants to give good things to His children. Just like my dad wanted to buy me a good gift - a REALLY good gift - our Father in heaven wants to give abundantly to His children out of His good grace.

My dad gave me more than a car. He reminded me who my Father is.

So….

I'm going.

To Boston.

To Gordon-Conwell.

In 18 days.

Eeeek!

I'm simply giddy. :)