Me and My Uglies.

Okay okay okay. Ladies, listen up. This one’s for you.

First of all, wouldn’t that into have been better if I was a DJ? I’ve always wanted to be a DJ…

Second of all, I’m doing something new and I think you should know about it. There’s probably only like three of you reading this, and that’s okay. Maybe even good. I want to share it, nonetheless. Remember this I made, with all the 101 things I want to do in 1001 days (HOLLA #47)? Well, I’m currently making my way through #27: go one month make-up free.
I first felt the push to do this when my pastor (That’s right, my pastor. I think I may have maybe possibly finally landed at a church home! What-WHAT?!?) preached on the Proverbs 31 Woman. When he announced his Text for that Sunday’s sermon, I thought, Oh, I’m sorry…did I just roll my eyes out loud? It’s just that…arg…. I’ve heard “that sermon” so many times. I’ve heard about the ideal woman and how great she is and how she’s beautiful and strong and always employee of the month and makes cute homemade clothes for all her kids and cooks skillfully for the masses and I’ve always walked away thinking, yeah, I’d like to be Super Woman, too. But seriously? If my lamp doesn’t go out at night (v18) and I’m up before sunrise (v15), even in my typically over-caffeinated state, you had better run.

But. He didn’t talk about her that way. Instead, he asked a fabulous question:

What would a culture look like if it championed this kind of woman? What would a community look like if, instead of pointing to the models and celebrities on the covers of magazines, we pointed to this kind of woman as an example for our little girls?

It’s a great question, and one I don’t know that we’ll ever have an answer to. I don’t know that it’s possible for us to answer because I don’t know that we’ll ever see a community or culture do it, unfortunately. So, out of a desire to hope for the impossible, starting in my own heart, I decided to begin by giving less value to that which is exterior in anticipation of growing greater value for that which is interior. Make-up just seemed a practical place to start.

Today is day 13, and I have a few thoughts on the journey.

The first day was rough, if I’m honest. I’m not usually honest, especially about insecurities. But here I think it’s important. The day was hard because, throughout the day, I kept catching glimpses of my reflection and felt like I looked like a zombie.



Haahaa.

Several times throughout the day I regretted putting it on my list and jokingly (but totally not…) wondered if I could change it without getting “caught”. I kept thinking my face looked naked. Ha, I suppose it was.

But something surfaced in my heart that I didn’t know was on the interior: I felt devalued. I didn’t feel value-less. I didn’t feel worth-less. But I felt as if I had a little less of each.

Now, we hear this from others out there in the big, bad culture often. I’ve talked to high school girls about placing their value in Christ and not in their hair or nails or clothes or … make-up. I’ve thought it silly when a girl couldn’t go a day without it and maybe even (in my typical arrogance) thought I was just a tad holier because I could. I’ve even preached entire conferences on the issue, for crying out loud! But the last thirteen days have revealed that when it comes to this issue, on the inside I’m still a fifteen-year-old little girl.

I’ve been embarrassed when talking to guys, thinking they were staring at my un-mascara-ed eyes.

I’ve avoided large groups twice (Day 4 and Day 9) because I felt ugly.

I’ve gotten to the end of the day and found I’m carrying a load of accusations of inadequacy from the Accuser.

And all this from 13 days in my face.

Did you hear that? In my face. This is my face. This the me! Only thirteen days into being honest on the surface level, and this load of ugliness has risen to the surface.

And I’m so grateful! Because if make-up can cover-up these things in my heart, I need to get rid of it so that I can finally see the ugliness that is within. I need to see my insecurities so that I can take them to the cross. I need to see the blemishes in my character that trust in appearance so that I can run to Jesus with them and say, “Here! Help! These hurt!”

I don’t want just a little foundation, blush or mascara rob me of it.

And so …

I’m wondering…

Could it be possible? Is it possible to answer my pastor’s question, I mean. Could we see a picture of what a culture that champions character over cosmetics could look like by being that community of radical values? You. Me. Together, could we figure out what it looks like to prize this kind of woman, to point to her as an example for our little girls and even the little girls in the mirrors? I don’t have answers yet. I’m still sitting with some internal uglies that are alive and well. They haven’t gone away, but the thing is I’m sitting with them at Jesus’ feet. I know this process doesn’t necessitate going make-up free. I’m curious, though, if we could start there. It seems like it could be worth it. I know there’s room for you and your uglies here, too.