6.9.09

Mrs. Rineer challenged my “boxed-in-Bible-school-thinking”. She said it also took her years to get over having to have the “right answers” and being afrain of unbelievers. I shared with her Tonya Nicholson’s death from last year, and the “Moody reaction” to it.
[When I first heard the tragic news, a girl in the elevator who I didn’t know noticed something was wrong. Maybe she was tipped off because I was crying hysterically. She said, “I don’t know what’s the matter, but whatever it is, just remember to be a good Christian”. What is that supposed to mean? What does that look like? Because I’m crying, does that mean I’m not being a “good Christian”? This is when all my questions about “Christianity” as an organization began to surface]
Then she asked me a question I don’t think I will ever forget.
“Did God let Tonya die, Amy?”
“Um…is this a trick question? Yes, I guess. God could have stopped her, left her with us longer. He could have made someone find her sooner, I guess.”
“Amy, how do you know that He wasn’t with her the whole time? God didn’t stop her because that’s not how God works. I would like to believe that God wooed her to Himself the whole time, walking beside her, calling to her. And once she had made her choice, He walked with her right into eternity.”
“We just met, Susan. Don’t touch that. I just dealt with her death again. Let me live with it settled for at least a few months.”
God, is she saying you’re less involved and in control than we think? Or is she saying you’re actually more active than we give you credit for, not letting us go until we have finally, at death, made our own choice? I don’t know what to believe anymore.
I cling to my doctrine like a blanket to keep out the darkness and fear in their challenge to awake. But the blanket only holds security, not power.
How do I learn to walk away from what I know to be true? How do I explore while staying on the narrow way that leads to life?
Lord, I know these days to come can change my life if I let You. Give me the courage to let You.