7.08.09

I think I’m going to write a book. A book about me and Jesus. Our story. Not an instruction book on how to have your own “me and Jesus” kind of book. Just about me and Jesus. I know it won’t get published. I know writers make about a dollar a day. But still, I’m think I’m going to write a book. Just saying…
I finished the proposal today and left it for Josie to review. I’m a bit anxious about what she will think, but as I have prayed I have confidence that God will do as He wishes with my work. It was a daunting task. Lots of hours were put into those three pages, but again, it’s in the Lord’s hands.
Girls came again for Bible study. A big group today. Conversation about the Holy Spirit was fine. Some learned. Some I think came for the free coffee. I can’t blame them. I went to youth group for the pizza parties. The girls asked questions about Christianity and were defensive when I said I don’t always refer to myself as “Christians”. They thought I was ashamed of my faith. I’m so not. I hope they understood my intentions in being a different kind of Christian – a follower of Christ, not just a legalist.
At the end of the study (the last hour of the three) they asked questions about everything. We talked about mean words from girls, how they hurt us, tattoos and piercings, boys, following Jesus, being real with God. I love these girls. They’re real.
I took out my dreads this morning. I’m pretty much bald now. Seriously. I lost about a third of my hair ripping them out. When I tried lying down, my head was pounding. I thought I must be feeling what a patient feels recovering from brain surgery. Dramatic, I know. I left the ball of hair in the sink for Alex. It looked like a small dog died in the sink. He loved it, I’m sure.
I miss them, though. I really liked having them. They were dramatic and new. They always looked the same right when I woke up or after I did all I could to make them look nice enough for church (maybe that should tell me something?) And I didn’t have to wash my hair for a month. That was fantastic.
When I went to school, my students all wanted to touch my hair. Of course, I thought I was going to cry whenever they did. One student raised his hand in class and said, “Miss Amy, you look like a girl.” I think that’s a compliment.
The girl I spoke with at the Fourth of July brie (who had been raped six times) came by the house today. She told me and Tasha her story. Very openly. We didn’t really know why she came by, to be honest. But soon it was obvious she just needed someone to listen. She has had such a tragic life. She is a lesbian now, very willing to say it comes from the rape. She said she would be willing to marry a man if he was willing to not have sex. She even says that she would eventually be willing to have sex with a husband if he was able to prove to her that he didn’t need to have sex with her. that he loved her, not the fact that she would fulfill his sexual needs.
Rassi (the man I’ve written about as being blessed in spiritual warfare) and his wife came over for dinner tonight (We made pizza for the first time and it was so so good). Rassi wants us to go door to door with him exorcising demons out of homes. We asked him to come by and give us a bit more information than that. He basically talked about how there is tangible warfare here in Reheboth; items in people’s homes that give Satan a foothold and bring strife into their homes. And I think I believe him. Another interesting thing he said was that he doesn’t “pray” anymore in the sense that he doesn’t request anything of God anymore. He just praises God. he says Satan knows the effectiveness of praise, having been the angel of worship in heaven, so he keeps us from praising God to keep God from blessing us. Interesting, at least.
We also asked him about losing salvation, and unfortunately he agreed that you can lose your salvation. Specifically, he said that depression itself is a demon and suicide is Satan worship. I strongly disagreed internally, but only said a few words. I think eased up on his stance when I started crying (yes, at the dinner table). He said he could understand how some depression could be medical (my earlier point), but he didn’t think it was limited to medical reasons. I guess I can agree with that.
I’ve been crying over this issue more than most. I think, again, it’s that I just don’t want anyone to tell me my Tonya’s in hell. I can’t handle that. I won’t believe that. I’m hard to that discussion. I wish I wasn’t, but as of today, I am. God’s working in me. He knows.
No Chandre today. I hope she comes tomorrow. I could have missed her in the chaos of after-school tutoring and such. But I praise God she does come. I’m thinking about bringing her home. Warn my parents.