7.19.09

This morning began with an early breakfast with Mick at Mike’s Restaurant. Eggs, coffee and talking theology. It doesn’t get much better than that on a Saturday morning. The discussion eventually rolled around to team dynamics (after the second round of coffee of course). Mick asked how we were doing.

[Ha. That’s funny. I didn’t mention that the night before, when picking out a movie, Alex and I had quite the confrontation. He told me that I’m unapproachable, difficult to talk to because I always have to be right and that I try to control conversations. I just told him he was right. Any of you who know both Alex and I can imagine this conversation and it’s quite intense yet quite humorous. For those of you who don’t, we’re better for it. We love each other more because we had that confrontation, just so you know.]

Basically it came down to the fact that we don’t share things together as a team. We have refused to be vulnerable with each other. We keep one another at an arm’s length distance (something I’m really good at) and it is hurting us immensely. We all like to be the “fixer”, so obviously we can’t be the one with the problems. We all put on the mask of “Just fine. I’m doing just fine.”

I’ve been thinking about this. I think it stems from our belief that we have to work for God. Well, maybe not “work” for Him, but that we have to please Him. We don’t understand that God loves us (and likes us, remember?) just as we are. He doesn’t patronize us with His love. We aren’t His charity case. He loves us for who we are. When we don’t believe that, we inadvertently believe that we have to earn His love. Now, none of us would say that, but I think it’s true. When we don’t believe that the only perfect Being loves us, how do we expect other failures to love us just as we are? So we don’t trust others with ourselves. We don’t open up because they might reject who we are when we are hurting.

Now, we worked things out as a team, decided to talk more, and all that jazz. But it has me wondering about something bigger…

I wonder if this is a glimpse of how the disciples were with Jesus. I wonder if they sat around breakfast by the shore of the Sea of Galilee, working through believe they were loved. They had some serious problems with being able to struggle vulnerably in front of each other. Remember how two of them were fighting over who would be greater in heaven? Yeah, they had issues. I wonder if Matthew felt the glare of the other men when they had to pay taxes, being reminded he had cheated people out of their money. Did they see him as one of those “government people”? If they did, he was an easy target for any complaining against the Romans.

So, I picture them much like we were this morning, sitting around a table with good food and talking through these things. Harbored bitterness. Records of wrongs. That kind of thing. And all that time Jesus is saying, hey guys remember I love you. I absolutely adore you. That should change things. And by things I mean everything.

We forget they were human, that they were learning to believe Jesus and to trust that Jesus believed in them. They were learning to love Him and believe He loved them and to let that overflow into love for each other. But they were still learning. We’re in good company.

After breakfast, we shopped for a while (I have to present the King’s Daughter’s proposal this week…hopefully…and I can’t wear my cotton skirts or t-shirts for the City Council) and got nauseated over it all. So we got more coffee and waited for Mick to come get us.

This afternoon we went to an animal reserve. It’s not what you would think. You drive along this dirt road and when you see an animal you slam on the breaks and everyone shushes each other, pointing lively in the direction of the animal. Oh, and did I mention you ride on TOP of the van? You do. It’s very cold and makes your heart beat fast, especially when you see an animal and know that any minute Mick is going to slam on the breaks and you just don’t want to slide down the windshield. And I was holding the three year old, who was sleeping. We saw more kudu (one huge male kudu!), spring buck, warthogs (Pumba, for the Lion King literate), oryx, wildebeests, baboons, blesbock, ostriches, and something else I don’t remember what isn’t called.

There was something awakening about the trip. Something about holding a little black girl sleeping on my lap, on top of a van, looking at ostriches that made me realize, oh yeah, I’m in Africa. Crazy.

Sometimes we need those wake up moments. I was hungering for home, wishing away these last three weeks. Even though I’m still missing my family, I am content, even thrilled, to be here. I mean, I’m in Africa for crying out loud! Haahaa…and I just now realized it.