Like Earl Grey with Soy.

The future seems to loom before me. It’s big and mysterious. It’s undefined and threatening. It’s bare and lovely.

Here I’m finding something I have not yet experienced. There lies within the crevices of my spirit a paradox of sorts. I am afraid of the future, and yet I feel so sure; I am vulnerable and unsure and utterly insecure, but at the same time I am absolute certain the character of my Guide is trustworthy. I feel rather alone, to be honest. This next season of life could be full of comforting community or full of long and lonely moments. I hold great hope for the former. I fear it will be the latter. That may not be a bad thing, either. Loneliness is no stranger to me. I was just hoping for a new season.

This inner sensation is bizarre to me. I have hope for growth and delight and peace and with those thoughts come ones of realization: for there to be those moments I must go where I have not, I must be vulnerable like I have refused, I must trust where I have not been forced. Like Earl Grey tea with soy milk – one of my favorites – this inner sensation is sweet and expectant but has a bit of a bitter aftertaste. Some of the mental scenes I depict for myself and sweet, cloyingly so; others are dreadfully difficult and leave acidic residue on my tongue.

I need You, my God. I’m afraid and alone, full of dread and dreams, hopeful and yet anxious. Be near, would You? Do that thing You promised me and never leave me or forsake me. Tell me again when I forget. Remind me when looking down the channel is dark and dreary. Rebuke me when I carry my cares alone. Correct me when I seek the American dream. Ground me when I run ahead of You. Fill me when I thirst for nourishment. Just … be Yourself.

Yes, I love You, too.