I Want to be Here.

Spring break has finally come. Have I said that already on this blog? Well, it has. And it certainly didn't come too soon. I waaaaaiiiittted for this break, this exhale of life, for quite some time. I think we, at Moody, hit our breaking point about 3 weeks ago. And it's been a long ride till we could all final breathe again.

This morning, three days into break, I'm waking up at Gordon-Conwell. It's the last day of my visit to this glorious seminary. It's absolutely wonderful. You know, I'm pretty sure this is what it's like to be in love. I love just everything about the school Just about every single thing. And I talk about it all I can, and I bring it up in conversation just so I can hear others talk about it, and I ask people to tell me about the program … again. "Yes, tell me again about the MDiv program. I know, I've heard it all before, but I just want to hear you say it all again…" If I had my way, I'd stay here now. I wouldn't even go back to Moody. I'd just right into classes and would be more than willing to live in the library. I'm pathetic. Or in love. You choose.

When the Admissions rep took me to Starbucks and bought me coffee. Now, till that point in the day, I had remained decaffeinated. He had no idea what he was getting himself into.

I went to chapel with D.A. Carson and listened to him preach on a theology of preaching. It was immensely edifying. And I realized that if you don't capitalize "D.A." it looks like you're writing "da carson…" Say it real nice and ghetto with me. "da carsoonn." Love it.

I got to meet with Dr. Arthurs, a preaching professor. I asked lots of questions about the program (which is the top in the country) and about the theological positions of the department. When I asked what the environment is for women in the preaching program he said, "It's a non-issue. By that I mean, it's not a hot topic in discussions. We don't talk about it…It's just, well, normal." Ahhhhh…

I met with Residence Life and asked about what rules there are here. You know, dress code and drinkign and stuff like that. The woman looked at me kinda confused. " We treat you like adults, but we expect you to act like Christians." Boom.

I had lunch with several students who bragged on the school. Typical, I thought. Until I realized none of them worked for the school. They were just having lunch with me to brag on the school.. No one asked them to. No one paid them to. They just…did.

I spent the evening last night with two friends from Moody. They are newly married and Peter is in his first year here at GCTS. They showed me around campus a bit, we hung out at their cute cute apartment, showed me their wedding pictures, talked theology and life and Gordon Conwell and they drove me back to campus. On the way back, I asked Mary what a particular building was. She said, "Oh, that's the married student housing. It's nice but don't drink the water." I laughed and asked why. "You'll get pregnant" Babies…lots of babies.

This whole trip has been a blessing. Gordon Conwell has done a really wonderful thing for me in hosting me and providing my meals and transportation. And, like I said, I want to be here.

But not yet.

One thing that one of the students said began nagging at my spirit yesterday afternoon. He said, "You can come here, go to classes, pass the classes, even maintain a 4.0 gpa and have learned nothing. You have to want to study. You have to delight in it." And I don't think I'm ready for that … yet.

I do delight in studying, I really really do. And I think the thing I most excited for about graduation is that I finally get to do all that reading I've been neglecting. Being an RA reorients your priorities and your time schedule (meaning, you have no time…) And I made that choice and I wouldn't regret it in a million years. Not on my life. I love my nine northers and I wouldn't have wanted to spend a day anywhere else. But I think I'm ready to study now. I think I'm ready to delight in learning again. But I don't think I have the Christian character for it yet. Here, I feel so so young, so foolish, so immature, so unprepared. I don't know that my life is disciplined enough to be here and choose to study and appreciate it for what it is. I don't think I'm ready….

Yet.

And that "yet" gives me hope...